Every year there are Cape-Atlantic League coaches who decide the time has come to give up the job. The most commonly expressed reason is to “spend more time with my family”. And there is undoubtedly some truth to that. But, if you get many of these coaches privately and off the record, they’ll tell you that parents were taking up too much time and created too much pressure on the program.

Sometimes it is worse.

One coach was challenged to “step outside” by a parent. It got so bad the police were called. Another estimated he spent 20 hours a week dealing with parents complaints and attending meetings with the parents and the athletics director.

Keep in mind, probably 95 percent of parents are extremely helpful and supportive. They form booster groups and make the job of coaching more rewarding and less stressful. But the other five percent can be brutal.

A number of coaches and former coaches from the CAL were invited to offer their feelings. One believes many parents have unrealistic opinions about their child’s abilities and potential.

“About 90 percent of the parents are excellent. They support the team and are positive with the particular program. It is a shame that a minority of those negative parents take up so much of a coach’s time. Even though playing time is the main cause of problems, I think unrealistic evaluation has become more of a problem. The Division I scholarship seems to be a major issue. Some parents have no idea the competition at that level and how limited opportunities are. As coaches, I feel it is our job to provide a chance for our players to play at the next level and that might be Division II, III, or junior college. Most of the time all the kid wants is a chance to play, get an education and have some fun for four years.”

Another coach is more deeply concerned about the parents’ lack of control over the athletes.

“I don't know where to begin with the problems we have, but I'll try. I think the main problem is the lack of support from parents. When you have athletes (star and average) constantly ineligible, late or no show at all to practice or games, you immediately start behind the eight ball. Parents here don't or can't hold their kids responsible or accountable for anything. There is a lack of simple discipline around here that plagues our teams across the board. Kids are not pushed to go to camps and, the one that drives me the craziest, is the lack of belief in lifting weights to make yourself bigger, stronger and faster. These kids are dumbfounded when they get pushed around in games and don't know why. Something I always said to the kids on the football team was, ‘the difference between Hammonton kids and you - they lift because they want to, you lift because you have to’.

“From the parents that are involved you see a lot of the same things that I hear are happening at other schools. They just can't judge the actual talent of their child compared to the rest of kids the same age. I always get parents asking about why their kid is not getting playing time because ‘they have been starting or an all star their whole lives’. The first question I ask the parent then is, what has your child done to better themselves in season, or in the off season and they look at me like I have three eyes or something, like their child's talent level is sufficient enough to carry them. They really don't know what it takes to be an above average athlete in today's world.

“I don't know if these are just the problems here or everywhere, but it makes it a hard place to coach. I have to believe and hope that there are places where discipline, hard work, and teamwork do still exist.”

Another veteran coach has witnessed changes.

“The problems changed as I got older with the job. When I first started it was a sort of honeymoon since the team had not done well the previous few years. We had young players and parents who did not expect much. As the team got better, the expectations rose. I am sure most coaches will tell you, as expectations go up so will the parental pressure. Some coaches like to stay away from the parents. I chose to know the parents because I needed them to run the type of program I wanted to have with summer leagues, trips etc. Again, as I got older the parents changed, too. The players were coming from separate communities and were the all stars in those communities. The parents expected that to continue. Many of them had trouble with the concept that their child was not good enough for the varsity. Having a competitive child myself, I understand.

“Too many parents have blinders on for only their child. They only see what their son/daughter does even in a team sport. It was very difficult discussing their child with them because they only saw what they wanted to see. I had parents who wanted me to see their video of the game as if it would be different from mine. I’ve had parents who kept their kids stats and yell out to shoot whenever their child has the ball. Winning certainly changes that but we still got emails from angry parents even with an undefeated team because their kid did not play enough or we were not using them properly. Getting involved is great, but the parents who go beyond that mythical line in the sand can really turn a good season into a nightmare.” And still another veteran coach looks deeper into the situation.

“The majority of parents are very supportive. I think the biggest problem today is that parents have an unrealistic view of the skills and abilities of their children. Kids today are put into organized sports from just about kindergarten age. Some excel at an early age. Some are just bigger or faster. Parents spend a great deal of money for special individualized instruction, camps, clinics, etc., in an attempt to cultivate those skills. It may be that they relate the amount of money spent with the expectations for success.

“Academically, parents are no longer passive regarding the education of their children. They take a hands-on approach with teachers, administrators and sometimes even boards of education. While that’s not necessarily always bad, I personally believe that in some cases, they have personal agendas and don’t much care about the good of the whole…only their child. I see this as the case in athletics as well. If parents don’t like a coach, they band together looking for a way to get rid of the coach. I can personally think of several incidents where parents were relentless in their pursuit of a coach’s job - they don’t win enough; they don’t coach in a manner acceptable to the parent; specific players don’t get a fair amount of playing time; they have no success beating other schools in their conference. In one case, a junior high coach who had considerable success wanted the high school job, so he encouraged parents to ‘persuade’ the school district to fire the current coach. In another CAL school, at least three coaches were ‘railroaded’ out of their positions.

“There’s not a lot of money in coaching (when you consider all of the time spent planning, scheduling, organizing, scouting, instructing). One of the reasons coaches don’t stay with the job year after year is because of the badgering by parents. Today’s parents will call a coach at all hours of the day or night to make a point or a complaint. Some parents will go directly to an athletic director or other administrator to complain without first talking to the coach. Often the parents will take the word of the athlete without considering another side of the story.

“In my experience, I have found that if a parent is truly knowledgeable about a sport, the more likely they are to be supportive. I have also found that coaches who have teaching experience are better than coaches whose only experience is being parents. Good athletes don’t always make good coaches either. Many of these folks can’t take themselves out of the parent stage. Others live their lives through the athletic prowess of their kids.”

A lot of thoughts from a variety of people. But there are more and we’ll get to them next week as we continue to examine this very important relationship between parent and coach.